Student no.1

Vanakkam. En Peru Mowgli, enakku innoru peru irukku, student no.1

Everyone should have seen the movie, 3 idiots, in hindhi, or the same movie as nanban, in tamizh. Everyone would have enjoyed one character in that movie, Chatur or Srivatsan. I have not been completely like him, but was working towards become him, the student no.1.

I have been the class leader for most of the days in my school, except when there were richer and bright kids in class. I have also been school pupil leader, then representative in college, secretary of the department. I have been the favourite student to most of the staffs. All together I grew up as a very good boy, ready to become the adult that this society really needed. That is what I thought I would become.

I remember how I used to attend school. Out of the 14 years in school I guess I hardly took 5 days of leaves. I had 100% attendance for nearly 11 years. During my 8^th standard, my Mother’s last sister got married. I attended the marriage and insisted about going to school that day, though every single person there wanted me to bunk the classes.

I got into the school van that morning and in one of the sharp turning the van door opened, I was sitting next to the door leaning on it and yes, I fell down from the running van. I had some scratches, tore my pant and knees. The driver wanted to drop me back before going to school with others. I denied it flatly and went to school that day, the next day and that whole week, though I had so much pain. I was that sincere student!

I was a good and sincerely obeying boy, no doubt. That does not mean I am a genius, a person with his own ideas, with his own character, with his own though process. All I had was altered, efficient ideas. With all the old things that I got to know, I gave it an efficient dimension, that need not be refreshing or good looking but it was efficient. Mathematics was so interesting to me, so calculations and getting things done with the given constraints was fun to me. I remember always being interested in numbers; I would be able to solve any given problem, I believed in it strongly, till date. I can’t have a peaceful sleep without getting the solution to a problem that is in my head.

This analytical brain was not sufficient to get good marks in public exam, though they needed presentation and good looking handwriting. Now this is true even in my day-to-day life – package, it is very important. Have you read fountain head? If you have then you should know the lead character, who is an architect. He can’t unnecessarily add anything to his design. He saw the necessity of the building giving the building its own beauty. The same with me, but I am not so strong souled or strong worded to oppose anyone and do what I wanted. I compromised to have at least half of what I want to get done. That would result in what the climax of that book is, a utterly stupid complex of buildings.

When I get to know it I am trying to bomb it all as he did. It is not easy for a good boy like me to move from the one side of the radar to other, from being an obedient boy to a man who wants to do what he thinks is ethically and socially right.

I still stood for it, because that is the way to live. You can have thousands of way to live. Everyone around you would adapt to that and not question. Just because all are doing something will not make it a right thing and you need not do that against your will. Everyone knows what they do, it is just they hide from their own self and keep doing what others do, following a crowd is always easy than standing alone and not knowing what is going to happen.

I chose the second path, I have fears, I am actually a shit scared person, that does not mean am going to back off from what is right. Just to get the good sincere boy name, I can’t lose my own self; instead I want to be a man of his choice and his own destiny and live to see it come true one day.

The journey is hard, very hard and I get depressed a lot. Have you seen the movie ‘Good Willing hunting’, the lead character will be a genius in maths, but he would want to do something that is interesting. The professor would try to make him a maths genius, but he would follow his heart. Such geniuses have strong soul and mind, because they know they are good at something. If you are good in one thing then you can easily be master of anything you want.

As I told, am no genius, I am the middle class. I don’t have awesome skills nor am not that fool to be not able to think anything, I am the sandwiched population. I can’t go lower than what I am able to do, like the job am doing now, that would kill my self-respect and always keep questioning me. At the same time, I can’t become an overnight genius and be the cream layer, I will been seen down and there also I will get no respect. This is my area, I know there are many like me out there. This world population is majorly a middle class, both financially and mentally. We belong to nowhere and we are the target crowd for anything.

I have found what I am, what I can and more importantly what I can’t. Now, I will play in my area, do things that I am strong at and would be a person who can feel happiness in every breathe. This sounds too dramatic, right? Still, truth when you face practically is going to be harsh, and I am happy to go with the truth than create a false hope and disappoint myself at the end.

PS. I daily think to write, but I have not really made it. I know what all to write, still I end up not able to write. Anyways, hopefully I don’t keep the gap so long, instead have the story flowing.

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Who Knows and who cares

Have you ever been angry? Of course, yes, what a stupid question. Everyone would have been. Why? Who knows and who cares?

I am angry, right now, at this moment.  I don’t even know exactly why. It could be that I am incapable of many things; it could be because many people have taken me for granted, of course, a guy who is comfortable with everything is everyone’s man, he can be used for anything, he is just a clay, he can be made into any shape you wish, he would be more than happy to be in that shape you want, but unfortunately that guy also has a heart and it is straight and a brain which analysis. For some reason he decodes things more than required.

What will that all lead to? A million dollar question! I think answer is simple, unrest, that unrest is only within him. Who knows and who cares about his unrest?

Even your beloved ones would give you nothing but shit. What else do you expect? Who cares and who knows about how your heart and brain functions. They just want you to live, because if you are dead then that would create a gap. People around you could not live with a gap, then have to fight to fill that gap, that is not their regular task. They would not like that. They don’t want their object of choice to be replaced. They want that choice to be alive at that same place. Whenever they want they would come to you.

I hit my bloody fucking monitor with my head, and it is unbroken. Wow. Should appreciate the manufacturer, and should also appreciate me for still writing.

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In a distance, that can’t be reached, is a life that I dreamed of. It has people who are unconditional. Who have their innocence intact even after millions of betrayals, because their love is unconditional. You fucking stab them in their heart or their back, they would love you they can’t even give a shred of hatred to you, that is not in their being. I have not made that dream alive yet.

Right now, am surrounded with people who want to secure their life and on the drop of a hat call you betrayed them and give you back million times more than it.

I have been scared of many things from beginning. I have heard stories that I was born out of fear. My mom was still fearing about sex still I was born. Every mating was equal to a rape. She dint don’t know anything about mating. When she knew, she already had two kids and it had become a nightmare. That does not mean my father is a rapist, he is just a normal man bought up in the society. 3 decades back it was not possible discuss sex with your wife too. I guess even now there are couples who have not seen their hubby naked, they just do it in dark and the kids are god’s gift. A boy born out of that fear is simply equal to fear and commotion. That is me.

I am no one to comment about anyone. I should not. That is ethically wrong if I do. I have seen and learnt from things that I have experienced.

The things I have experienced are making me cry now. The drops that fall on my fingers while am typing this tells it all.

I have got some comments for this blog. One of it says that I should compare myself with someone in Africa or gaza. Another says something like how am important because am shouting here alone. The thing is, I am not here to ask anyone help. I am not asking for a robin sharma’s book. I am telling what has happened in my fucking life. From where, I have travelled to where. That is what am telling here. I am telling this only for myself and to the tow people who love me unconditionally after their conditional loves broke. I have wanted to write this all for a long time, but never did. This time, with death looming around my head, I am writing. I work the better under pressure people tell.

So please I know only very are reading this. I am giving words to the feelings that only we feel. Everyone has crossed or experienced this sometime in your life. I know what all is the possibility. I have seen more than I should have seen by this age by this so called society. Never even think I have not thought of a possibility for a question. It is just after knowing what is there infront of you, you lose your hope to fight for it.

This is a communication to tell what all has happened in a person’s life. He has gone through so many lovely things, that he thinks after this there will nothing as good or bad. Everything from now on is going to be an incident or fact. It will not imply to anything, it will just happen.

My first blog had more than hundred likes and as I started writing it has got down to few 30 40 people and out of that I don t even know how many really read this and out of that I don’t know how many even understand it the way I tell. Even D would not understand it exactly the way it is in my mind, but he would be the only closest person who finds what I mean. There is also another soul, syatchi who would know what this is all about. Other than that, who knows and who cares.

This no fucking inspirational blog or any fucking plea request to ask you all for any inspiration, to get away from this life. I know exactly what this life would give me and I have seen things that you would not even imagine to see. I have been open with everything. I have given even my spoon the liberty it needs, every single cell in my body works in its own aspiration. Nothing forces anything. That is the reason I could be on both side of the radar. No one understands this part of me and I don’t think anyone can understand it. There was a person who was so close to this, but she left. She was the aadhi baghavan for things that opened into my life.

I don’t mean disrespect to anyone who would like to help me live by their moral support. I totally understand what you all tell, it is just, I am telling you not to make any judgment before this ends. Do not imply your experience here. I know it is hard to be reading this without any prejudice, but try it, that is how this is going to work.

Whenever I feel to cry I write, the more I write means the more I am looking forward to cry and shout to tell how am all alone here. The more I cry I have found that am the only person who is sit and crying here all alone. Everyone would come by, see by, pass by, like just some dust that comes with the breeze that is blowing. No one will come even close to it.

It is only the self that is true and is going to stick with you. Find yourself to get the feel that is inside you. Everyone exactly has it within them but since they see the other souls’ shouting near to their ear they can’t hear their own soul’s word.

I am becoming more alone as day pass by. I am reducing being a choice in anyone’s mind or life.

Am either there or not, that’s no more a question. There is no grey, only black or white. My black and white love has been growing so much, that all other color becomes meaningless.

Anyways today is the part where am telling you find you before even thinking anything else is going to be making you better or your life better. Just because you have a good degree, good job, good money, your life does not go by. Of course this is not for all who believes in that. This is for those lonely people, who knows what is the colour of rainbow and how it feels to stand in the hot sun to just get a glimpse of something you love and get shivered by the snow for sheer pleasure of the pain that coldness gives and open heart for the rain that follows.

Come on, it would rain always and are you ready to get wet in it to feel what it is?