Have you ever been angry? Of course, yes, what a stupid question. Everyone would have been. Why? Who knows and who cares?
I am angry, right now, at this moment. I don’t even know exactly why. It could be that I am incapable of many things; it could be because many people have taken me for granted, of course, a guy who is comfortable with everything is everyone’s man, he can be used for anything, he is just a clay, he can be made into any shape you wish, he would be more than happy to be in that shape you want, but unfortunately that guy also has a heart and it is straight and a brain which analysis. For some reason he decodes things more than required.
What will that all lead to? A million dollar question! I think answer is simple, unrest, that unrest is only within him. Who knows and who cares about his unrest?
Even your beloved ones would give you nothing but shit. What else do you expect? Who cares and who knows about how your heart and brain functions. They just want you to live, because if you are dead then that would create a gap. People around you could not live with a gap, then have to fight to fill that gap, that is not their regular task. They would not like that. They don’t want their object of choice to be replaced. They want that choice to be alive at that same place. Whenever they want they would come to you.
I hit my bloody fucking monitor with my head, and it is unbroken. Wow. Should appreciate the manufacturer, and should also appreciate me for still writing.
In a distance, that can’t be reached, is a life that I dreamed of. It has people who are unconditional. Who have their innocence intact even after millions of betrayals, because their love is unconditional. You fucking stab them in their heart or their back, they would love you they can’t even give a shred of hatred to you, that is not in their being. I have not made that dream alive yet.
Right now, am surrounded with people who want to secure their life and on the drop of a hat call you betrayed them and give you back million times more than it.
I have been scared of many things from beginning. I have heard stories that I was born out of fear. My mom was still fearing about sex still I was born. Every mating was equal to a rape. She dint don’t know anything about mating. When she knew, she already had two kids and it had become a nightmare. That does not mean my father is a rapist, he is just a normal man bought up in the society. 3 decades back it was not possible discuss sex with your wife too. I guess even now there are couples who have not seen their hubby naked, they just do it in dark and the kids are god’s gift. A boy born out of that fear is simply equal to fear and commotion. That is me.
I am no one to comment about anyone. I should not. That is ethically wrong if I do. I have seen and learnt from things that I have experienced.
The things I have experienced are making me cry now. The drops that fall on my fingers while am typing this tells it all.
I have got some comments for this blog. One of it says that I should compare myself with someone in Africa or gaza. Another says something like how am important because am shouting here alone. The thing is, I am not here to ask anyone help. I am not asking for a robin sharma’s book. I am telling what has happened in my fucking life. From where, I have travelled to where. That is what am telling here. I am telling this only for myself and to the tow people who love me unconditionally after their conditional loves broke. I have wanted to write this all for a long time, but never did. This time, with death looming around my head, I am writing. I work the better under pressure people tell.
So please I know only very are reading this. I am giving words to the feelings that only we feel. Everyone has crossed or experienced this sometime in your life. I know what all is the possibility. I have seen more than I should have seen by this age by this so called society. Never even think I have not thought of a possibility for a question. It is just after knowing what is there infront of you, you lose your hope to fight for it.
This is a communication to tell what all has happened in a person’s life. He has gone through so many lovely things, that he thinks after this there will nothing as good or bad. Everything from now on is going to be an incident or fact. It will not imply to anything, it will just happen.
My first blog had more than hundred likes and as I started writing it has got down to few 30 40 people and out of that I don t even know how many really read this and out of that I don’t know how many even understand it the way I tell. Even D would not understand it exactly the way it is in my mind, but he would be the only closest person who finds what I mean. There is also another soul, syatchi who would know what this is all about. Other than that, who knows and who cares.
This no fucking inspirational blog or any fucking plea request to ask you all for any inspiration, to get away from this life. I know exactly what this life would give me and I have seen things that you would not even imagine to see. I have been open with everything. I have given even my spoon the liberty it needs, every single cell in my body works in its own aspiration. Nothing forces anything. That is the reason I could be on both side of the radar. No one understands this part of me and I don’t think anyone can understand it. There was a person who was so close to this, but she left. She was the aadhi baghavan for things that opened into my life.
I don’t mean disrespect to anyone who would like to help me live by their moral support. I totally understand what you all tell, it is just, I am telling you not to make any judgment before this ends. Do not imply your experience here. I know it is hard to be reading this without any prejudice, but try it, that is how this is going to work.
Whenever I feel to cry I write, the more I write means the more I am looking forward to cry and shout to tell how am all alone here. The more I cry I have found that am the only person who is sit and crying here all alone. Everyone would come by, see by, pass by, like just some dust that comes with the breeze that is blowing. No one will come even close to it.
It is only the self that is true and is going to stick with you. Find yourself to get the feel that is inside you. Everyone exactly has it within them but since they see the other souls’ shouting near to their ear they can’t hear their own soul’s word.
I am becoming more alone as day pass by. I am reducing being a choice in anyone’s mind or life.
Am either there or not, that’s no more a question. There is no grey, only black or white. My black and white love has been growing so much, that all other color becomes meaningless.
Anyways today is the part where am telling you find you before even thinking anything else is going to be making you better or your life better. Just because you have a good degree, good job, good money, your life does not go by. Of course this is not for all who believes in that. This is for those lonely people, who knows what is the colour of rainbow and how it feels to stand in the hot sun to just get a glimpse of something you love and get shivered by the snow for sheer pleasure of the pain that coldness gives and open heart for the rain that follows.
Come on, it would rain always and are you ready to get wet in it to feel what it is?